Reading time: ~7 minutes
This article might help you understand:
- why some decisions become so difficult, even when we have thought about them over and over again,
- how the opinions of others and «conditions of worth» may influence what we ultimately choose,
- what it means to trust our own internal evaluation more, without needing to be certain that we made the «right» decision.
An open notebook full of lists with «pros» and «cons», a phone constantly lighting up with messages from friends saying «if I were in your place...», and a silence that feels heavy. The more you search for that single, infallible guarantee for the future, the more you feel trapped between the expectations of others and the fear of regret.
Until you realise that true relief does not come when you find the «perfect» answer, but at the moment you trust your own inner voice and say: «This is my choice for today, and I can stand by it».
When the need for certainty keeps us on hold
«What would you do in my place?»
It is a question that often arises when a decision affects us deeply.
We might ask a friend, our partner, a parent or a colleague. And for a moment, another person's opinion might bring a sense of relief. As if we do not have to carry the entire weight of the choice all by ourselves.
Yet afterwards, the answers begin to differ.
One person sees a risk. Another sees an opportunity. Someone reminds us of what we have already invested, and someone else of what we could gain if we changed course.
And somehow, instead of having one decision before us, we find ourselves caught between many different versions of what would be the «right» thing to do.
Why are some decisions so difficult?;
Faced with an important choice, we usually don't just look for a direction.
We also look for a guarantee.
We would like to know that the job we choose won't exhaust us. That if we leave a relationship, we won't regret it. That if we stay, things will change. That a «yes» won't later turn out to be a mistake and that a «no» won't close a door we wish had remained open.
We would like, in a way, to know the end of the story in advance.
Except life doesn't work that way.
When we are called upon to make a decision, we usually don't have all the answers. We don't know, no matter how hard we try, exactly how things will turn out.
And it's not just the circumstances that change. We change too.
Our needs, our desires, our boundaries change. Something that once made sense might at some point no longer fit us.
Research into decision-making shows that the difficulty can increase when there are many choices, when it is not yet clear what we want, or when we feel we need to identify the best possible outcome. And for some people, uncertainty can lead to a constant search for reassurance.
So, our difficulty may simply indicate that what is at stake matters. And that sometimes, whichever path we take, something will need to be left behind.
Is there really a «right» decision?;
The phrase «right decision» seems to imply that there is an objectively correct choice out there somewhere and that, if we think hard enough, we will manage to find it.
However, many of the decisions that challenge us the most do not have a single answer. They are intersections of needs, desires, fears, relationships and values that do not all point in the same direction.
Perhaps, then, instead of searching for the «right decision», it makes more sense to ask ourselves how we want to decide.
What do I know today? What do I need? What am I afraid of? What matters to me? What am I ready, or not yet ready, to take on?;
This doesn't make the decision infallible.
It does, however, make it more our own.
And a decision might have been the truest choice I could make at the time, and at some point stop suiting me.
Not necessarily because I was wrong back then.
But because I am no longer quite the same person who made it.
If I need something different today, it doesn't invalidate what I needed back then. It might just mean I've moved on.
And this movement is part of living, changing and continuing to meet ourselves differently.
In psychotherapy, am I searching to find myself, or am I perhaps searching for my many selves?;
When the search for the best becomes a burden
Carefully examining an option can be a way of caring for something important.
However, there are times when the search never ends. Every piece of information gives rise to the need for another, and eventually no choice feels «good enough».
Research into the pursuit of the optimal choice shows that the burden becomes particularly heavy when comparison becomes exhaustive and we struggle to finalise our choice.
Perhaps, then, it's not just the decision itself that exhausts us.
We are also exhausted by the expectation that we must find that one choice which will never disappoint us.
The opinion of others and «conditions of worth»
The opinion of people we trust can be invaluable. It can give us a different perspective or make us feel less alone when facing something difficult.
However, there is a fine line between:
«I am listening to your opinion»
and:
«I need your approval to feel allowed to want what I want».
Carl Rogers used the term «conditions of worth» to describe how we might gradually learn that we need to be a certain way in order to feel accepted, loved or enough.
I might learn:
«I am a good person when I don't let people down.»
«I am worthy when I succeed.»
«I am a lovable person when I don't make things difficult for others.»
«I am a responsible person when I put their needs first.»
And at some point these voices may become so familiar that I hear them as my own.
Then, in the middle of making a decision, I might wonder:
Do I want to stay or am I afraid of whom I might disappoint if I leave?;
Do I genuinely want this job or do I need its success to feel that I am worthy?;
Do I not want to say «no» or have I been taught that saying «no» makes me selfish?;
This does not mean that there is an entirely pure and unaffected voice within us. We are human beings within relationships and we have been shaped through them.
Perhaps the point is not to stop listening to others.
But rather to allow our own experience to be heard among them.
What does an «internal locus of evaluation» mean?;
In the person-centred approach, the internal locus of evaluation describes a gradual shift towards greater trust in our personal experience.
It doesn't mean «I don't listen to anyone» nor «I always do what I want».
It means I can listen to your opinion without needing to hand over the final decision for my own life to you.
To consider it. To be influenced. Even to change my mind.
But for there to also be room for the question:
«How am I within this choice?»
When the choice becomes more my own
Having the decision come back to me might initially seem daunting.
Because if I am the one choosing, I also take on the responsibility of my choice.
Except that responsibility doesn't have to be just a burden. It can also become a source of strength.
There is something liberating in the moment when I can say:
«I listened. I thought about it. I was afraid. And in the end, I chose for myself.»
Not necessarily with absolute freedom. Our choices are made within real circumstances, relationships, fears, needs, and limitations.
Perhaps, then, the most human thing is not to ask ourselves to choose completely freely, but to be able to decide with as much freedom as we can bear at the given moment.
And this freedom can grow.
The more I recognise what I need, which voices I carry and what is truly mine within them, the more I can take responsibility for my position regarding my choices.
Not to blame myself if something does not turn out as I wanted.
But so that I can say: this was the choice I was able to make back then, with what I knew, with who I was and with as much freedom as I could have.
Perhaps that is where responsibility and freedom meet. Not in the certainty of knowing what will happen, but in a greater trust in my relationship with myself.
And what if regret comes?;
«And what if I leave and later realise that I wanted to stay?»
«What if I say no and miss out on something important?»
The fear of regret is often already present within the decision, even before we make it.
Except that regret is not in itself proof that we made the wrong decision.
It may be the sadness for something we left behind. The cost of a choice that became more visible later.
Or it may simply mean that we have changed.
That the person looking at that decision today has different experiences, different needs, and perhaps different boundaries from the person who once made it.
The fact that today I would choose differently does not necessarily mean that back then I should have known what I know now.
It could mean that I have moved on.
That I have learned something.
That I am alive.
Self-confidence, therefore, might not be:
«I know I will make the right choice».
But:
«I don't know exactly what will happen. I trust, however, that I will be able to handle whatever comes my way».
Perhaps, after all, the opposite of indecision is not certainty, but trust.
When indecision takes up too much space
There are periods when the difficulty in making choices begins to spread almost everywhere. Even small decisions are accompanied by intense anxiety, thoughts keep returning again and again to the same scenarios, and reassurance from others only brings brief relief.
In moments like these, psychotherapy can become a space for exploration.
Not a place where someone else will tell us what the right answer is.
But a space where we can listen a little more clearly to the needs, fears, desires and «shoulds» that we carry with us.
Whose voices am I hearing?;
If you are facing a difficult decision, it might be worth sitting with a few questions for a while:
- If I didn't have to justify my choice to anyone, which way would I lean?;
- Who am I afraid I might let down?;
- Which «should» am I hearing inside me, and where might I have learned it from?;
- What do I need right now, even if I am not ready to choose it?;
These questions do not need to lead to a decision right away.
Perhaps they will simply help our fears, needs, «shoulds» and desires to be heard a little more clearly.
When should you seek professional support?;
Finding it difficult to make a decision is completely normal. However, when the choice-making process stops being merely demanding and turns into a source of constant distress, the assistance of a mental health professional can be supportive and liberating.
It is worth considering professional support when:
- Indecision leads to paralysis: Even everyday, simple choices cause intense stress, leading to chronic procrastination or complete avoidance of taking action.
- Overthinking becomes exhausting: Your mind constantly recycles the same catastrophic scenarios and «what ifs», disrupting your sleep, concentration and functionality.
- The search for validation is relentless: You feel unable to move forward without the approval of others, consistently putting your own needs and desires on the back burner under the weight of «shoulds».
- The fear of regret traps you: The anxiety over whether a choice will turn out to be «wrong» overrides any possibility of trust in yourself and your adaptability.
- You are at a critical life crossroads: You are experiencing significant changes (professional, relational, personal) and need a safe, neutral space to clarify your true values and boundaries.
Psychotherapy does not aim to tell you what to choose, but rather to help you listen to your own inner voice and stand by your decisions with awareness, self-compassion and freedom.
In short
Finding it difficult to make decisions does not always mean we do not know what we want.
Sometimes something inside us knows which way it is leaning, but alongside it many other voices are heard: the opinions of the people we love, the «shoulds» we grew up with, the fear of loss and the need never to have any regrets.
And even when we choose, nothing remains completely static.
Circumstances change. Needs change. We change.
Perhaps, then, the goal is not to make a decision that will remain «right» forever.
But a decision that we can recognise as our own, with everything we know and are today.
And if it one day no longer fits us, to be able to listen to that shift as well.
Because self-confidence does not mean knowing that everything will go well.
It means that we can take on the freedom and responsibility of our choice, with as much freedom as we can manage each time, and trust that, if necessary, we can change path.
Frequently asked questions
Is it wrong to ask for the opinions of others?;
No. The question is what place that opinion takes within us. Is it simply another perspective I can listen to, or does it become the permission I need to trust what I feel?;
How can I know that I made the right decision?;
Often we cannot know at the moment we make a decision. Circumstances change, and so do we. We can, however, ask ourselves how we made the decision: what we knew back then, which needs we listened to, and how much room fear, pressure, or the need for approval took up.
If today I would choose differently, does that mean I made the wrong decision back then?;
Not necessarily. Today I may know more, need something different, or have moved on as a person. The fact that an older choice no longer expresses who I am does not automatically invalidate the person who made it back then.
Can psychotherapy help with making a decision?;
Psychotherapy does not need to provide the answer. It can create space for us to hear what we are afraid of, what we need, and what expectations we are carrying. The decision remains our own.
Written by: Margarita Varvogli, Psychologist MSc – Person-Centred Psychotherapist of the scientific team of Reconnect Therapy
If you need help with a decision, I would be delighted for us to take this journey together, which can start from here.
Read also:
Anxiety: 4 Mental Traps & How to Find Your Calm
References
Misuraca, R., Nixon, A. E., Miceli, S., Di Stefano, G., & Scaffidi Abbate, C. (2024). On the advantages and disadvantages of choice: Future research directions in choice overload and its moderators. Frontiers in Psychology, 15, 1290359.
Appel, H., Krasko, J., Luhmann, M., & Gerlach, A. L. (2024). Intolerance of uncertainty predicts indecisiveness and safety behavior in real-life decision making: Results from an experience sampling study. Journal of Research in Personality, 110, 104490.
Cavé, J., Katjene, M., & Roos, V. (2024). A scoping review of Rogers’ person-centred approach to identify constructs relevant to optimal intergenerational relationships. South African Journal of Psychology, 54(3), 402–414.
Han, Q., Quadflieg, S., & Ludwig, C. J. H. (2023). Decision avoidance and post-decision regret: A systematic review and meta-analysis. PLOS ONE, 18(10), e0292857.