How many times during the psychotherapeutic process has the voice striving to break free, to differentiate itself with words like these, rung out: “Mum, I love you, but I do not belong to you!”.
The relationship between mother and child is the cornerstone of human development and mental health. I mention the mother because that is usually the relationship that forms the first significant other in a child's life – this does not mean that the father does not also have a major role and that everything I write does not apply to him as well.
Of course the infant is prepared to attach to an adult – whoever that may be – as long as they provide the care it needs, even if they are not its biological parent!
In modern psychology, researchers explore the complexity and impact of this relationship on individuals« lives. In this article, we will examine the dialogue between mother and child through the words that capture their emotional and psychological processes. Through this article, we will »unmask" love and see how it can affect individuals' mental health and emotional development, and of course, we will attempt to answer the question: How much parenting is enough?;
Initially, the symbiotic relationship is characterised by an omnipotent sense of total fusion between mother and child, thereby forming a «unity for two». The concept of symbiosis and the symbiotic relationship emerged from Margaret Mahler's observations of the mother-baby relationship and was later applied in clinical practice. A relationship of this type is of immense importance for the child's development, yet it has a very specific timeframe for existence. If the mother finds comfort in this overly close relationship, (which in many cases is her first such close relationship, while at the same time she does not know how to express and assert herself, or the conditions do not exist for her to look after her own emotional needs) then she “stays” in this relationship and perpetuates it without realising it. Thus, when the child reaches adolescence, we hear phrases from the mother or father such as: “we gotinto university”, “we are going throughinto adolescence”.
All parenting revolves around the continuous dilemma of how much acceptance and how much challenge to offer my child.; In other words if we put too much acceptance into the recipe, the child will not have the necessary challenges from life that will strengthen it much like the resistance exerted by the walls of the womb during birth, which “exercises” its muscular system and mental fortitude. An experience that is perhaps very useful, unfortunately missed by children born via Caesarean section.
On the other hand, if a parent is not overprotective and goes to the other extreme, then the challenges the child experiences may be disproportionate to their age-related maturity, leading to deep frustration because they are unable to cope with life.
Although both extremes are obvious, in reality, both apply in many cases.
Think of a parent who believes their child can understand the concept of money from the age of four. No matter how hard they try to teach them, the child is unable to grasp it simply because this belongs to a later age when their brain will have matured further. So, when the child becomes distraught and deeply frustrated in their despair, the “savior” parent comes along and offers an endless embrace in which the child can be saved from the hardships of life (which the parent themselves created just a moment before!). As the saying goes: To burn you, John, and then honey your wounds. In other words, I very often find that a parent is anxious that their child will not survive in life and loads them up with this stress by offering them “life provisions” (French lessons, piano, tennis...) and then becomes strict with them when they cannot cope. However, when they realise they have pushed their child too hard, they feel guilty and then switch to the other extreme of over-nurturing.
Exactly the same thing torments us adults when it comes to self-care. We struggle with the balance between acceptance and challenge. Did I not do my absolute best? What if I had tried even harder? But I couldn't take it, I was exhausted...
In this situation, the fundamental question that may arise is: “How much mothering does my child need? Do I have to be available 24/7?”
We understand that parents, whether mothers or fathers, face guilt when they find themselves having to leave their children, whether for professional obligations or for personal time for self-care, such as going out with friends, exercising, etc.
It is important to recognise that a parent's presence for the entire duration is not necessary to build a positive relationship with the child.
If a parent experiences guilt due to limited presence, it is important to point out that quality moments of meaningful connection shared with their child, with attention and love, can be just as impactful on the child's development.
Guilt about whether one is an adequate parent, despite the time spent caring for the child, is common. It is important to reinforce the idea that the quality of interaction and the expression of love towards the child are more important than the amount of time spent.
We know that parents benefit enormously from time spent apart from their family. This “separation” allows them to recharge, focus on their personal goals and interests, and simply enjoy some time to look after themselves.
Nevertheless, many parents worry about how this distance affects their children, and this is where it is interesting for the parent to wonder what their own relationship is with separations, whether physical (spatial, for example every month the father would go away on a trip) or emotional (for example the so-called silent treatment) where as a child they had experienced the withdrawal of the parent's gaze as a punishment.
It is important to add a developmental perspective to this discussion that can help parents feel more secure. Moments of parental self-care and self-rejuvenation do not pose a threat to the relationship with their children. On the contrary, they can improve parents' ability to provide quality care and remain open and connected to their children's needs.
From this developmental perspective, we understand that parents who take care of themselves enhance their ability to be present and attuned parents, offering the necessary love and support to their children. This balance between self-care and child care is often absolutely essential for the healthy development of the parent-child relationship as well as the child's development. Cared-for parents, cared-for children.
Although it is indisputable that your availability and the time you dedicate to your child are a fundamental prerequisite for their well-being, it is important to know that your child also has other important developmental needs that are served through spaciousness in the relationship.
One of the primary developmental tasks of early childhood is separation and individuation. The child needs to develop the ability to function as a separate, independent individual. At birth, the child experiences a close emotional connection with its mother. At this initial stage, the child depends entirely on its mother to satisfy every need.
Gradually, the child begins to discover its “separateness” through a series of activities. Initially, it explores its fingers and toes, discovering the world of its senses. It plays by itself in corners of the house with its toys, developing its creativity and autonomy.
As it grows, it becomes capable of standing upright and exploring its environment. Often, it makes attempts to move away from its parent and then return to them for safety. Through these activities, the child learns important lessons: They understand that they are a distinct individual being, who can discover the world on their own, feel secure in their autonomy, and gain a sense of achievement in their activities.
While you are at work or engaged in other activities and your child is being looked after by a reliable caregiver or family member, this experience can prove extremely educational for your child. During these periods, the child develops important social skills that are essential for interacting with people other than their parents. They also develop a sense of security, knowing that they can trust others for their care.
As the child grows, having experiences such as sleeping away from their parents or attending pre-school education is an important part of their development. During these experiences, the child understands that they can cope with situations where they are separated from their parents, feels secure and confident in themselves, and knows that their parents will always return. These experiences boost children's confidence in themselves and the world around them. This way, they can face life with confidence as they grow.
The “quantity” of parenting required for a child's normal development varies from case to case and depends on many factors, including the child's age, their personal needs, the environment, and the support they receive from other parents or carers.
The child's basic needs include physical care (food, sleep, hygiene), safety, love and communication. The child also needs opportunities for play, exploration and learning. It is also important to promote the development of self-esteem, autonomy and social skills.
Parents must be available for their child, support them and love them. However, this does not mean clocking up relentless hours of constant supervision. It is important to strike a balance between parental presence and child independence, ώστε να τον ενθαρρύνετε να αναπτύξει την αυτονομία, την αυτοπεποίθηση και τις κοινωνικές δεξιότητες του.
Συνοψίζοντας, η φροντίδα και η παρουσία είναι σημαντικές, αλλά η υπερβολική προστασία και παρακολούθηση μπορεί να εμποδίσουν την ανάπτυξη του παιδιού. Κάθε παιδί είναι μοναδικό και απαιτεί διαφορετική προσέγγιση και με βεβαιότητα σας λέω ότι δεν υπάρχουν συνταγές. Το ίδιο το παιδί θα σας μάθει πως να είστε γονείς, απλά παρατηρήστε το καθώς παρατηρείτε τον εαυτό σας.
Κλείνω αυτό το άρθρο με τα λόγια του D.W. Winnicott, ο οποίος μας είπε ότι δεν υπάρχει τέλειος γονιός αλλά υπάρχει ο αρκετά καλός γονιός:
“Η ενοχή είναι ένας σκληρός εχθρός της γονεϊκότητας. Κάνετε ό,τι μπορείτε με αγάπη, και αυτό είναι αρκετό.”